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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Feeling extremely bitter

My temperature dropped below coverline this morning, so I am definitely not pregnant. I'm sure I'll start my period tomorrow. This was my second cycle on Clomid, but we have been trying to conceive four cycles since we lost Jenna. I think one of my fears is going to come true -- we aren't going to be able to get pregnant again.

I'm feeling very bitter toward teenage mothers, pregnant crack addicts and just about anyone who gets pregnant easily. I know their pregnancy does not affect my ability to get pregnant. It's not like there's a shortage of babies, and because they're pregnant, that's one less baby for me. Logically, I know all that, but it's still not fair.

It's not fair that I have to get up every morning at 7 a.m., to take my temperature and then go pee on a stick for my fertility monitor. It's not fair that we have to schedule sex -- every other day when I get a high on my monitor and every day when I get a peak. I shouldn't have to take Clomid to get pregnant. It makes me gain weight, be bitchy, have hot flashes and terrible, terrible migraines, but I take it because I want another baby. And, you know, I don't have it anywhere near as bad as some women who have to give themselves shots or go for IUIs or do in vitro. And there are some who have no chance at all of having another baby, no matter what they do. I can't imagine what they go through.

Women who can get pregnant easily should thank their lucky stars and realize how fortunate they are not to have to go through all of this. Each month is like a little heartbreak all over again. Each month reminds me that I should have a baby in my arms, a baby that should be growing and learning new things, but is instead dead.

I'm tired of being infertile. Does anyone want to change bodies with me for a while, say for nine months until I have a healthy baby? I would give anything to have to worry about not getting pregnant for a while like most people.

3 comments:

Jessica said...

Keeping in my thoughts... today and always. Hugs

JenJen said...

I'm sorry that you're not getting the BFP this month...and the whole teenage crackhead pregnancies piss me off, too~

Heather said...

I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I am one of those extremely fertile women of whom you are bitter, and unfortunately many days I have to remind myself that it is something I must be grateful for. I have three kids under three--two of them conceived while on birth control--and it is not easy, but it is nonetheless a blessing. Thank you for reminding me.

Take good care of yourself, honey.