I don't think I'm cut out for this

I have been a full time stay at home mom since the summer started. Before that, I was taking classes online, so part of my time was devoted to that, not just to being a mom, even though I was here with Ella all the time and with Tessa after school.

I can't wait for my school to start back. I don't think I'm cut out to be a full time stay at home mom. I don't enjoy housework at all, and I know since I'm not working outside of the home, it should mainly be my responsibility. I'm not a little Ms. Homemaker, never have been, never will be. I also feel as though I am a more productive parent when I'm working than when I'm not.

I feel like I have lost myself this summer. I haven't been Tamara at all. I've been Tessa and Ella's momma. While I love having that title, there is more to me than that. I want to have something for myself, besides my house and my girls.

Maybe it's because I've worked since I was 16 years old. Maybe it's because I used to have a career. I miss making money on my own. It doesn't help that Brian's job makes enough for us to pay our bills with only the smallest cushion, and I hate being broke.

It also doesn't help that for the last three weeks or so, Ella has been sick off and on, so I have gotten very little sleep. She also would not nap while she was sick unless I was holding her, so now, I have that bad habit to break. I can't even try to do it right now because she is congested and croupy, and if I let her fuss even for a few minutes, it makes it worse.

I don't have a break during the day at all, because I'm having to hold her while she naps. By the end of the day, I am so worn out that all I want is for her to go to sleep so I can have five minutes to myself. And, then, I feel guilty because I feel this way.

Starting back to school should help. I'll have two on campus classes and the rest online. I'll have that to be mine, and I'll be able to get back to being Tamara a bit more, instead of just somebody's mommy, although there is nothing wrong with that either. I also think if I had a part time job that might help, too. Yet, I also know that I will miss my girls like crazy when I go back to work full time. It's such a double edged sword, isn't it?

I think it's a noble thing to enjoy staying home. I just don't, and I wish I did.