Thank you

I wanted to personally thank all of you for your sweet comments about Jenna's photographs. Those of you who have lost a little one much earlier than your due date knows the kind of courage it takes to show off those photos.

I see her as beautiful, but I also know I'm looking at her through the eyes of a mother. I was so afraid that others wouldn't see her as beautiful. Every time Tessa and I look at her pictures, Tessa talks about cute she was. She just sees her as her little sister. Today, my sister-in-law looked at the pictures, and my nephew looked over her shoulder while she was doing so. He said, "Oh, she's so bloody."

Tessa said, "No, she's not bloody, Luke. She's red because she was very, very sick. That's why she died."

I also have to take the time to say thank you to all my Internet friends, especially the ladies from the debate board at www.tryingtoconceive.com/newSite2 and from www.babycenter.com second and third trimester loss boards.

I have visited Trying to Conceive for the past six years. I've been going to the debate board for the last five years. We've been through a lot together there, and they were there when I first found out something might be wrong. I can't tell you how many e-mails I received from the members of that board. One lady (you know who you are you and you know I love you) sent me a card with a quote from Winnie the Pooh because she knew how much I loved that cartoon.

Another lady read long e-mail after long e-mail and always gave me a reply within a short amount of time, always reassuring me that what I felt was normal and worrying with me. I think she also knows how much she means to me. She's as much a friend to me as anyone, and I've never even met her before.

After Jenna died, the second and third trimester loss women were wonderful. I've made some good friends there. I wish none of us had to be there, but I am thankful they were.

I don't think I can adequately say how much all of the support meant to me, but I have to say, "Thank you."

Still mad at my inlaws

My inlaws did not travel here for Jenna's memorial service. They didn't even call on the day it was held to check on us. Their friends, who have known Brian all his life, weren't able to attend because the wife has been ill lately, but they still called us. I wish they were Brian's parents, instead of the ones he had. His own brother didn't even call us.

His mom hasn't said one word to me. They sent us a card before Jenna died, but it was addressed to Brian only. My name wasn't even on the card. She sent a package to Tessa the other day. It was a hopscotch rug. In the bottom of the package was a sack of dress shirts for Brian. Guess what? Nothing for me. When she calls, she doesn't ask to speak to me. When I answer the phone, she asks to speak to Brian and doesn't say anything at all. I never expected my father-in-law to speak to me, because he hardly even talks to Brian.

They've always been asses to me, and I've pretty much taken it. But, them not coming to Jenna's memorial service was the straw that broke the camel's back. His mother's excuse was that her nephew was dying from cancer and could go at any minute. Guess when he died? Last Sunday, nearly a month after Jenna's memorial service. His dad's excuse was that he just didn't do funerals.

When Brian and I were talking about it today, he said, "My dad didn't go to Gene's funeral." Gene is his cousin, the one who was dying from cancer. I told him that Jenna was their grandchild and should have been there. I said, "What about if it had been Tessa? Would they have come?"

He said, "My mom might have, but Dad wouldn't." How sad is that? I just can't imagine. The idea of not showing up for a loved ones funeral is foreign to me, especially if it's a little one. My mom and stepdad came to the hospital when Jenna was born. They called everyday to see how I was feeling. They might live closer, but I would think the death of your granddaughter would make you come running.

So, Brian tells me today that his mom wants us to come visit before the end of the year. I told him I wasn't going and that I was still mad at them and didn't know when I would get over if I ever would. He said that he and Tessa could go and visit while I stay here. That's not going to work either. I'm not letting him take her down there to be around those people. They obviously don't care very much about any of us, so why should I allow her to go around them?

Maybe I'm being petty, but at this point, I don't care. They've hurt me more than once, and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Starting over again

After complaining the other night about not starting my period, I did today. While I'm extremely happy to be on my way to trying to conceive again, I'm a little sad, too.

When I got pregnant with Jenna, I thought I was finished with all of it. I didn't think I would ever have to take my basal body temperatures first thing in the morning. I didn't think I would have to chart at www.fertilityfriend.com and analyze every dip or spike and every symptom. I thought I was done peeing on a stick forever.

I thought I was through with the pain that comes month after month when your period arrives or you get a negative on a pregnancy test. I was really looking forward to not going through that or any of the rest of these things ever again.

In fact, I was planning to have an IUD put in after Jenna was born, and later, I was either going to get a tubal or Brian was going to have a vasectomy. We knew we would be done with two children.

So, now I have to start all over. This cycle, we will be using birth control, but I'm still going to take my temperature, just to get back in the rhythm of doing so. When I became pregnant with Jenna, I put the thermometer in my night table drawer. I've gotten in out, and it's laying by my lamp, ready for me to take my temperature in the morning. Next cycle, I will be using my fertility monitor, and I do have the test sticks ready for it.

I just wish I didn't have to go through all of this again, because it would mean Jenna was still alive and waiting to be delivered in December.

Sharing Jenna

Since Rita and Justin didn't think the pictures were too bad, I decided I would share them with all of you. I changed the color to black and white because it keeps them from looking so bad. When Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep sends me back the cleaned up versions, I will post them as well.

If you are reading this blog and look at the pictures, please leave me a message. I want to know who is looking at Jenna. Also, I would love for you to add yourself as a follower.

Afraid of comments

A few weeks ago, I posted about how much I regretted not having Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come to the hospital to take pictures of Jenna. The photographs the nurses took aren't that great, and I wish I had something better to show to people.

The co-founder of NILMDTS contacted me and asked me to send her the photographs through e-mail. Our scanner at home doesn't work, so I knew I would have to bring them to work with me.

However, I haven't been able to find the courage to do so. I don't know a whole lot about using the scanner here. It's a little more high tech than the one I have at home. There are only two people who know how to use the scanner here. I'm afraid of hearing the comments about how bad she looked.

One of the people is a good friend of mine, and I know he would probably wouldn't say anything. But, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, and I think the pictures probably would. I am sure he would do it for me if I asked, whether it made him uncomfortable or not, but I couldn't find the courage to ask him.

The other person can be incredibly insensitive without meaning to be. She tries very hard, but I don't think she realizes how she comes across. For example, the day after we got the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 for Jenna, she came up to me and asked me what our options were. First of all, I was still processing the devastating news that my child was going to die. Second of all, it really wasn't any of her business. I told her what our options were, and she said, "I think I would carrying her for as long as I could, so maybe I would have the chance to get to know her." Blah, blah, blah, sorry but you don't know what you would do in this situation until you've been there. I know she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but every nerve in my body was sensitive at that point. I knew which way I was leaning at that point, so I really didn't need her to give me what she thought was another viewpoint.

So, I know she would have something insensitive to say, without meaning to. She just doesn't realize how she sounds when she opens her mouth. Rita, another co-worker, who is also a close friend, told her not to ask me a hundred times a day how I was doing when I came back. Have I ever said how much I love Rita!!! I didn't need to be asked that over and over again. The first day I was back, I fought tears the entire time. It wouldn't have been pretty if she asked me that a thousand times.

So, today, I'm finding the courage to ask Justin to scan the pictures. He won't make insensitive comments, and I'll know he'll do it. I'm finding courage for all sorts of things lately.

So frustrated

Today is six weeks since Jenna was born, and I still haven't had a period. We have to wait two to three cycles before we can try again, and if I don't have a period, I can't get to that point.

I want to be pregnant again by my due date. I know another baby will not bring Jenna back or replace her, but I want to do something to fill these arms that feel so empty.

I'm doing everything right, too. One of things to help those with PCOS is to lose weight. Today, I weighed and I'm halfway to my first goal. I've lost 33 pounds. I'm taking 1000 milligrams of Metformin twice a day. I've started taking my prenatal vitamins, and I've started taking extra folic acid.

I'm exercising every day, but not over-exercising. I know that over-exercising can keep you from having a period, but that isn't the case here. I know normal is anything between four and eight weeks, but I'm just so ready for it to get here.

Not only that, I have been feeling like I was going to start my period for the last two weeks. I get that crampy, headachey feeling, just like it always was, but nothing.

After I have my period, I'm going to start taking my temperature again, even though we will not be trying then. I just want to get used to doing it again. I won't use my fertility monitor, though. I will wait until the next cycle for that. When I don't get pregnant that cycle, I'll call the doctor and have her give me a prescription for Clomid.

I know it sounds strange to wish for your period to arrive, but I really do.

Out of the blue

I have been having several good days in a row. I wasn't crying much at all, and I saw my counselor this morning without shedding a tear. All of that changed with an out of the blue moment.

Today, a co-worker/friend and I decided to go to lunch. She asked me if it would be all right for her teenage daughter to come. Her daughter has a four month old baby girl. I told her that it would be fine, that it's usually only new babies that bother me.

She had to go to the police department to pick up police reports and see if anything interesting had happened that she could write about, so we decided to meet over there. I got there a little early, and the waitress put me at a table. Right in front of me were two women with a brand new baby girl.

I thought about asking the waitress to move me, but I knew I needed to suck it up and just sit there. So, I stayed. I tried not to look at her. Then, my friend's daughter came in with her baby girl, a beautiful sweet baby, so little and feminine. My heart started breaking, but I tried not to let it show.

I did pretty well until the baby at the next table woke up and wanted to be held. The mother picked her up and put her on her shoulder, with the baby facing me. I had to see all the stretches, sweet little faces, movements this baby made. My friend asked the mother how old the baby was, and she was six weeks old.

Tomorrow is six weeks since Jenna was born. It hit me like a ton of bricks all over again, out of the blue. I was never going to see my baby make those faces, would never get to hear her cry out for me, no stretching and no crying. I am missing out on so much.

I left the restaurant early because my eyes kept filling up with tears. I always turned away so they wouldn't see it. I told my friend I had to get a prescription filled. Part of it, I brought on myself because I said the baby could come, but I didn't know there would be a brand new baby in front of me. When I was walking out, I saw a pregnant woman and two more babies. I wanted to run to my car.

Will this sensitivity ever go away? I can't expect people to quit living life and having babies just because mine died. I can't stop going out because of it. I supposed I'll just have to get used to it.