Two months today

Two months ago today, Jenna was born. No one remembered it again, except for me, but that's all right. I've got to come to expect that people are going to have a hard time remembering her because of how little time she was here.

She impacted me in a big way. I've learned compassionate because of what we went through with her. I go out of my way now to tell people how sorry I am for what they are going through. I take the time to mail cards to those who are hurting. I make phone calls and try to remember the dates of hard times for people.

I've learned not to worry about the small things. Some things are just not important. Being with family, spending time with friends, showing people you care, that is what is important, not how much money we make, what kind of car we drive or the kind of house we live in. Brian and I hardly ever argue anymore. It's just not worth it.

I'm changed forever. I know that. I thought at first, it was for the negative, and in some ways, it is. People ask me all the time how I'm doing. I don't believe I'll ever be able to say fine again. I answer "all right." I will forever be missing a part of my family.

But, after two months, I'm able to see some of the positives of how my life has changed. Of course, I would give back all of those positive changes if Jenna could have been healthy, all of them.

Just some thoughts

Lately, I've been reading blogs of women who decided to carry to term when given a poor prenatal diagnosis. I often wonder if they think they love their children more than I loved Jenna, since I wanted to end the pregnancy and would have if I had been able.

This leads me to feel guilt and think that maybe they did love their baby more than I loved Jenna, because if I really loved her, I would never have wanted to end the pregnancy. At times, I even feel sort of jealous of those ladies who had the strength to never even have the thought of ending the pregnancy.

I know, or at least I think I know deep down, the women who decided to carry to term don't think they love their children more. I'm sure they realize we all have to make what is the best choice for our families. I also know that I did love her. Even though not many people in real life know our story (the fact we traveled to Atlanta to do it and weren't able to), I feel like they are judging me when I say that I miss her or loved her. In fact, I'm waiting for someone in real life or on here or my boards I visit to say, "How can you say you loved her when you wanted to abort her?"

It's just not that simple. I did love her. She was my child, and I hated the thought that she could be in pain. That's the only reason I wanted to end the pregnancy. I've read on other boards that parents have to quit wanting the perfect child. For mre, it wasn't about wanting a perfect child. In fact, I hoped and hoped that if she did have a chromosome disorder it would be Down Syndrome or Turner Syndrome or one of the other non-fatal disorders. I didn't care if she was handicapped or disfigured; I just wanted a baby that was going to live. In fact, if the amniocentesis had shown normal chromosomes and the only problems were the cystic hygroma and clubbed foot, terminating would have never even been an option.

I don't want people thinking I didn't love her or that I don't have the right to grieve for her because I wanted to end the pregnancy. I did love her. I wanted her more than anything. I wish she was still inside me, moving around and healthy. I wish she was going to be my little Christmas present. So, please don't judge me because I wanted to end my pregnancy. I loved her so much that I didn't want her to be in pain. I didn't think I was strong enough to handle that.

To all those mothers who were given a fatal or poor prenatal diagnosis and decided to carry to term, I think you are probably some of the strongest women I know. I don't judge you for your decision, and I hope you don't judge me for mine. I think we (those of us with fatal diagnoses no matter what decision we make) have to stick together to get through the most difficult thing any of us will ever have to face.

Oct. 15

As I posted below, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Organizers are asking everyone to light a candle at 7 p.m., in remembrance of lost babies and to keep it lit for one hour.

Right now, I'm planning to light a candle for my Jenna and one of my Internet friend's little girl, who was stillborn at full term.

If anyone wants me to light a candle for their loss, please leave me a message, and I will buy a candle for your baby and light it. I'm going to be doing pink for a girl and blue for a boy. I also plan to find some candles in a neutral color to light for those who don't know the sex of their baby. Please just leave me a comment here with what color it needs to be, and I will gladly do it. I'll take a picture of all the candles and post it here afterward.

The dragonfly

When we had the memorial service for Jenna, I allowed some of it to be religious because most of my family is, and I knew they would want that. However, I wanted this little story about the dragonfly to be read. This story sort of describes what I think happens when we die.

Once, in a little pond in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of the lily pad and would never be seen again.They knew when this happened, their friend was dead, gone forever.

Then one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired and the sun felt so warm that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed, and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying. So, fly he did! And as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.

Then he remembered his water beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life.

So, now, dragonflies sort of remind me of Jenna. The day we held the memorial service, we went to the cemetery to see my granny's grave, and two dragonflies flew past us, almost playing together. We thought it might be Granny and Jenna.

Over the weekend we went camping. It was the first major thing we've done as a family since Jenna died. We also went out on the canoe. We had a lot of fun, but I couldn't help but wish Jenna would be able to experience it with us, too. We saw tons of dragonflies buzzing around us, but I was amazed when one landed on my shoulder. It stayed there for about five minutes, even with Tessa shouting about it being there.

I might sound crazy, but I think it was Jenna, telling me she was with us and always would be.

You don't ever get over it

Last night at the vice-presidential debate, Joe Biden teared up while talking about the deaths of his first wife and his infant daughter over 30 years ago.

I've read on two different boards that he should be over it by now, and he's playing the death card. I don't believe I've ever read anything so insensitive in my life or anything so insulting to those people who have lost children. I will never question the emotion when it comes the loss of a child.

Losing a child is not something you ever get over. It's not something you move on from. I've heard from several people that you get through it; you don't get over it or move on.

My life was changed forever when I found out Jenna had Trisomy 18, but I was even more impacted by her death. I will never get over holding her small, lifeless body in my arms, looking at tiny fingers that would never curl around mine or little feet that would never run. The sight of her collapsed head will haunt my dreams forever.

I don't understand how anyone could say he was using his tears for political gain or that he was playing the dead family card. How dare they assume he should be over it and shouldn't cry when he thinks of his baby girl?

It infuriates me the lack of sensitivity for those who have lost a child. If you are a parent, you have to be able to imagine how it would feel to lose a child. How could you even question it? It's one thing to criticize his political stance, but it's quite another to insinuate that he is using his personal tragedy to further his political agenda.

Shame on those who have said that. I hope to God you never know the pain he has been through, and if you do, I hope you never have to hear that you should ever be over it.

They just don't get it

Tonight, I was discussing politics with my two cousins. Both of them are for McCain and Palin, mainly because my cousin believes Palin will help those with special needs children. Anyway, I said I could never vote for her because it's politicians like her that took away my choices because of their pro-life stance.

They said that Palin isn't a politician. First of all, she's a politician because she has run for office. That makes her a politician. I think they are seeing what they want to see with her instead of how she really is.

Anyway, they went to address the issue of whether I had a choice or not. They said I had the choice to go to Atlanta and have it done, that it wasn't politicians that kept me from having done, but the people at the clinic who took it away from me. While that may be true, politicians were the ones who made the laws that forced me to have to go to Atlanta and go through that awful humiliation. I should have been able to deliver early by labor and delivery in the hospital of my choice with my own doctor. I told them that, too.

They went on to say they would want to do it as far away as possible so no one would know it, and they wouldn't have to see the place where it happened all the time. I hate it when people say they know what they would do. They don't. They have no clue what it's like to make a decision like that. They have no clue how it feels to decide to end the life of their child, so they have no clue about how they wanted it done. I certainly didn't want to go to an abortion clinic and sit around with a bunch of women who were happy about ending their pregnancies. My cousin said I would still have to see people no matter where I went, but I wouldn't have. I don't think she quite understood about what labor and deliver early termination is all about. I explained it to her and said that I wanted to be comfortable with my doctor at my own hospital. She said that I wouldn't be comfortable anywhere.

Then, she said, "At least you didn't have to make that choice. God took it out of your hands so you wouldn't feel guilty about it." First of all, I'm not even sure there is a God. I just can't believe a God of love would allow me to go through what I went through. I know there is a higher power, but I believe this power allows things to happen without interfering. I don't think he had a thing in the world to do with why I wasn't able to terminate, and it all turned out like it did.

Secondly, I am glad in a way that I didn't have to make the decision to stop Jenna's heart, because I know I would guiltier than I already do. The thing is, I should have had that choice, the choice to do it like I wanted and needed to in a comfortable environment of my choice. Hospitals should have to do this in the case of health of the mother, fatal prenatal diagnoses and rape and incest. I kept saying that I should have had that choice, and she kept saying that at least I didn't have to make that choice. I just started crying, and I told them that they would never understand and never get it.

Kim actually said, "I know, and I hope I never have to." The truth is, I don't want anyone to experience what I went through because of the laws in this state. We were lucky enough to be able to travel down there even if we weren't able to go through with it. But what about people who can't afford to travel? Shouldn't they be able to do it at the hospital of their choice?

Kim and Karen both said they would never change the law, because hospitals won't allow it. But with an amendment worded the way I want it to be, the hospitals would be forced to perform them and have doctors who will on standby in the case of the health of the mother, fatal prenatal diagnosis and rape or incest.

I got the feeling from them that maybe I'm being a little silly being so involved in this or maybe I'm going overboard and shouldn't feel as strongly as I do. Do you think it's silly that I'm fighting to change this law? I mean, even though I wasn't able to end the pregnancy, I should have been able to have that option. Shouldn't other women carrying sick babies have that right? I just want to make sure this will never happen to another woman, that she can choose the option that is best for her family without having to worry about traveling, finding care for her other children, missing work, paying for the procedure and the travel plans.

Am I foolish to think that I can get this changed? Am I going overboard? Do I have a right to be upset that I wasn't allowed to end the pregnancy since it ended before going to term?

They just don't get it. No one really can, not even other deadbabymamas unless they had to make the decision to terminate and then weren't able to do so. I tried to explain it to her, but she didn't get it. Is it just something you have to go through to be able to understand? Or maybe I'm being ridiculous after all.

My article for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October has been designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I think this topic deserves a lot of attention, so women don't have to feel as though they are members of a secret society. So, I wrote an article giving details and information about loss. I may also do a sidebar for those who have a loved one who has lost a child and want to know what to do and what not to do. In this article, I detail that Oct. 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Everyone is encouraged to light a candle that day for the babies that have died. If you've lost a baby of your own, please do it to remember that child. If you haven't, please do it for my Jenna and all the other lost babies, too. Here is the article.



October has been designated as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month with Oct. 15 set aside as a special remembrance day.


Every year, there are approximately six million pregnancies throughout the United States, which result in 4,058,000 live births. Pregnancies that end in a loss number 1,995,840.


To break the numbers down even farther, 600,000 women experience pregnancy loss through a miscarriage, which is considered any loss that occurs before 20 weeks gestation.
The loss through termination equals 1,200,000, and 64,000 women experience an ectopic pregnancy loss. Molar pregnancy losses equal 6,000 with 26,000 women experiencing a stillbirth, which is any birth after 20 weeks of gestation.


Most early miscarriages, as many of 60 percent of first trimester ones, will remain unexplained. It is usually assumed these losses are genetic, where the chromosomes didn’t replicate correctly. Other reasons can include hormonal problems; chromosomal defects such as Triploidy and Trisomy 13, 18 and 21; problems with the uterus or cervix; immune disorders; premature rupture of membranes and blighted ovum, ectopic pregnancies and molar pregnancies.


A blighted ovum is a condition where a gestational sac grows, and a woman develops all of the pregnancy symptoms but no baby ever forms. An ectopic pregnancy is a normal fertilized egg that gets stuck in the fallopian tube and implants there. This type of pregnancy can not survive and puts the mother at risk for severe hemorrhaging and possible even death as the baby grows and eventually bursts the tube.


A molar pregnancy is a very rare type of pregnancy where an abnormal mass forms inside the uterus after the egg is fertilized. A molar pregnancy is formed when a sperm fertilizes an empty egg (called a complete molar pregnancy) or when two sperm fertilize one egg and both the baby grows a little as well as the abnormal placenta, called a partial molar pregnancy. Even when a baby grows, it cannot survive.


If a molar pregnancy has been diagnosed, the mother’s health will be carefully monitored. In about 15 percent of molar pregnancies, the moles spread to other parts of the body like cancer. A mild form of chemotherapy will have to be used, but the cure rate for this disease is very high.
Trisomy 13, 18 and 21 are chromosomal disorders, where the baby has three copies of a certain chromosome instead of just two. Trisomy 21, the most common of the trisomies, is also called Down Syndrome. Triploidy is another chromosomal disorder where the baby has three complete sets of chromosomes instead of just two. Triploidy and Trisomy 18 are considered incompatible with life and are always fatal. Some babies with these disorders are carried to term, but most result in either an early pregnancy loss or a stillbirth.


A stillbirth is technically any pregnancy that ends after the 20th week, and the baby does not survive. Some babies die in utero and are discovered when a heartbeat is not found. The most common causes of this are uterine abnormalities, a knot or other umbilical cord accident, infections of the lining of the gestational sac or cord and placental abruptions that cause the placenta to pull away from the uterine wall.


Other babies are lost through early labor. The causes of early labor are premature rupture of membranes, uterine abnormalities that make the uterus to small to hold the baby and an incompetent cervix. Some babies are lost during labor and delivery by an umbilical cord that gets pinched between the baby’s head and the cervix or the cord wraps around the baby’s neck.


Having a miscarriage or stillbirth is very difficult. The emotional impact usually takes longer to heal than the physical one. Some emotional symptoms mothers and fathers may experience include numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, depression and difficulty concentrating. Some women report having a feeling of empty arms. Physical symptoms can include fatigue, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, loss of appetite and frequent episodes of crying. Seeing a counselor can help with these symptoms.


If you have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss, know that grieving is a normal thing after experiencing this. Some women find comfort in doing things of remembrance, including planting a tree, selecting a special piece of jewelry with a birthstone or donating to a charity.


Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on Oct. 15 was started by Robyn Bear after she had six miscarriages with little or no support. She wanted a day set aside for parents, grandparents, siblings, friends and the world to unite and remember the babies that had been lost.


On Oct. 15 everyone around the world is urged to light a candle at 7 p.m., in that time zone. If everyone lights a candle Oct. 15 at 7 p.m., and keeps it burning for one hour, there will be a continuous wave of light over the entire world in memory of all the babies who have been lost to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death.


For more information, visit the Web site at www.october15.com.