Starting over again

After complaining the other night about not starting my period, I did today. While I'm extremely happy to be on my way to trying to conceive again, I'm a little sad, too.

When I got pregnant with Jenna, I thought I was finished with all of it. I didn't think I would ever have to take my basal body temperatures first thing in the morning. I didn't think I would have to chart at www.fertilityfriend.com and analyze every dip or spike and every symptom. I thought I was done peeing on a stick forever.

I thought I was through with the pain that comes month after month when your period arrives or you get a negative on a pregnancy test. I was really looking forward to not going through that or any of the rest of these things ever again.

In fact, I was planning to have an IUD put in after Jenna was born, and later, I was either going to get a tubal or Brian was going to have a vasectomy. We knew we would be done with two children.

So, now I have to start all over. This cycle, we will be using birth control, but I'm still going to take my temperature, just to get back in the rhythm of doing so. When I became pregnant with Jenna, I put the thermometer in my night table drawer. I've gotten in out, and it's laying by my lamp, ready for me to take my temperature in the morning. Next cycle, I will be using my fertility monitor, and I do have the test sticks ready for it.

I just wish I didn't have to go through all of this again, because it would mean Jenna was still alive and waiting to be delivered in December.

Sharing Jenna

Since Rita and Justin didn't think the pictures were too bad, I decided I would share them with all of you. I changed the color to black and white because it keeps them from looking so bad. When Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep sends me back the cleaned up versions, I will post them as well.

If you are reading this blog and look at the pictures, please leave me a message. I want to know who is looking at Jenna. Also, I would love for you to add yourself as a follower.

Afraid of comments

A few weeks ago, I posted about how much I regretted not having Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep come to the hospital to take pictures of Jenna. The photographs the nurses took aren't that great, and I wish I had something better to show to people.

The co-founder of NILMDTS contacted me and asked me to send her the photographs through e-mail. Our scanner at home doesn't work, so I knew I would have to bring them to work with me.

However, I haven't been able to find the courage to do so. I don't know a whole lot about using the scanner here. It's a little more high tech than the one I have at home. There are only two people who know how to use the scanner here. I'm afraid of hearing the comments about how bad she looked.

One of the people is a good friend of mine, and I know he would probably wouldn't say anything. But, I don't want to make him uncomfortable, and I think the pictures probably would. I am sure he would do it for me if I asked, whether it made him uncomfortable or not, but I couldn't find the courage to ask him.

The other person can be incredibly insensitive without meaning to be. She tries very hard, but I don't think she realizes how she comes across. For example, the day after we got the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 for Jenna, she came up to me and asked me what our options were. First of all, I was still processing the devastating news that my child was going to die. Second of all, it really wasn't any of her business. I told her what our options were, and she said, "I think I would carrying her for as long as I could, so maybe I would have the chance to get to know her." Blah, blah, blah, sorry but you don't know what you would do in this situation until you've been there. I know she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, but every nerve in my body was sensitive at that point. I knew which way I was leaning at that point, so I really didn't need her to give me what she thought was another viewpoint.

So, I know she would have something insensitive to say, without meaning to. She just doesn't realize how she sounds when she opens her mouth. Rita, another co-worker, who is also a close friend, told her not to ask me a hundred times a day how I was doing when I came back. Have I ever said how much I love Rita!!! I didn't need to be asked that over and over again. The first day I was back, I fought tears the entire time. It wouldn't have been pretty if she asked me that a thousand times.

So, today, I'm finding the courage to ask Justin to scan the pictures. He won't make insensitive comments, and I'll know he'll do it. I'm finding courage for all sorts of things lately.

So frustrated

Today is six weeks since Jenna was born, and I still haven't had a period. We have to wait two to three cycles before we can try again, and if I don't have a period, I can't get to that point.

I want to be pregnant again by my due date. I know another baby will not bring Jenna back or replace her, but I want to do something to fill these arms that feel so empty.

I'm doing everything right, too. One of things to help those with PCOS is to lose weight. Today, I weighed and I'm halfway to my first goal. I've lost 33 pounds. I'm taking 1000 milligrams of Metformin twice a day. I've started taking my prenatal vitamins, and I've started taking extra folic acid.

I'm exercising every day, but not over-exercising. I know that over-exercising can keep you from having a period, but that isn't the case here. I know normal is anything between four and eight weeks, but I'm just so ready for it to get here.

Not only that, I have been feeling like I was going to start my period for the last two weeks. I get that crampy, headachey feeling, just like it always was, but nothing.

After I have my period, I'm going to start taking my temperature again, even though we will not be trying then. I just want to get used to doing it again. I won't use my fertility monitor, though. I will wait until the next cycle for that. When I don't get pregnant that cycle, I'll call the doctor and have her give me a prescription for Clomid.

I know it sounds strange to wish for your period to arrive, but I really do.

Out of the blue

I have been having several good days in a row. I wasn't crying much at all, and I saw my counselor this morning without shedding a tear. All of that changed with an out of the blue moment.

Today, a co-worker/friend and I decided to go to lunch. She asked me if it would be all right for her teenage daughter to come. Her daughter has a four month old baby girl. I told her that it would be fine, that it's usually only new babies that bother me.

She had to go to the police department to pick up police reports and see if anything interesting had happened that she could write about, so we decided to meet over there. I got there a little early, and the waitress put me at a table. Right in front of me were two women with a brand new baby girl.

I thought about asking the waitress to move me, but I knew I needed to suck it up and just sit there. So, I stayed. I tried not to look at her. Then, my friend's daughter came in with her baby girl, a beautiful sweet baby, so little and feminine. My heart started breaking, but I tried not to let it show.

I did pretty well until the baby at the next table woke up and wanted to be held. The mother picked her up and put her on her shoulder, with the baby facing me. I had to see all the stretches, sweet little faces, movements this baby made. My friend asked the mother how old the baby was, and she was six weeks old.

Tomorrow is six weeks since Jenna was born. It hit me like a ton of bricks all over again, out of the blue. I was never going to see my baby make those faces, would never get to hear her cry out for me, no stretching and no crying. I am missing out on so much.

I left the restaurant early because my eyes kept filling up with tears. I always turned away so they wouldn't see it. I told my friend I had to get a prescription filled. Part of it, I brought on myself because I said the baby could come, but I didn't know there would be a brand new baby in front of me. When I was walking out, I saw a pregnant woman and two more babies. I wanted to run to my car.

Will this sensitivity ever go away? I can't expect people to quit living life and having babies just because mine died. I can't stop going out because of it. I supposed I'll just have to get used to it.

Anyone from Tennessee reading this blog

I am doing more recruiting. If any of you reading this are from Tennessee or have relatives here who would be willing to work with me to see these laws changed, please leave me a message through my blog.

I know not everyone agrees with abortion, but I do believe quite a few pro-lifers believe in exceptions for the life of the mother, fatal fetal anomolies and in the cases of rape or incest.

I need to recruit as many people as I can. I talked with my sister-in-law today, and she said she would talk to my brother about it. She is more than willing, and she thinks my brother will, too, as long as I help him write the letter. I also asked her to ask her parents and her brother and sister-in-law if they will help. She said she was sure her parents would but didn't know about her brother and sister-in-law. She is going to ask them, though.

I've posted on http://www.babycenter.com/ on the Tennessee board, the terminations for medical reasons board and also the Momas for Obama board to find other Tennesseans who feel like I do. So far, no luck. I'm hoping to find someone soon. I've also thought about posting on Craigslist to see if I can find people. I might get hate mail there, though. I guess I should get used to it because once this becomes more public, I will probably get a lot.

So, if you or any of your family is from Tennessee, leave me a message, and I will contact you. Also, if you like reading my blog, please add yourself as one of my followers. I love to see who is reading.

Recruiting letter writers

I have sent two e-mails out, one to our state representative Curt Cobb and another to NARAL, the national pro-choice organization. I haven't heard back from either of them, so I'm going to print out the copy of my e-mail to Curt Cobb and snail mail it to him. I'm going to wait to see if I hear anything from them.

I am about to write our letter to the state senator. His name is Jim Tracy, and he is a republican who is pro-life. Curt Cobb considers himself pro-life, but he is a democrat. I also have a personal connection with Curt because his mom was my kindergarten teacher. I didn't feel like I needed to spend as much time crafting his letter as I will have to Jim's, even though I did spend a lot of time on it. Jim Tracy is also a member of the church of Christ, which is very conservative and can be very fundamental. I want to reach him and touch his very core, make him see that these laws need to changed. My words have to be carefully chosen with him.

I've also been talking to people the past few days to recruit them as letter writers. My mom was my first recruit, and she is more than willing to help me out. My aunt was next, and she is also willing. Today, I recruited my co-worker, cousin, sister and another aunt. I know it seems like a small number of people, but at least, it's a start. I have to get over my fear of asking people whether they will be willing to help me. If I'm going to get "Jenna's law," as my aunt calls it, to pass, I have to be tough and not afraid.

I'm also starting a petition. If I can get enough people to sign it, I can present that to our representatives, too. I plan to be persistent. Maybe if I make enough noise, they'll try to get it to pass just to shut me up.